More than knowing

I am turning 25 this year and the idea makes me nervous.

We all have our anxieties about life and what makes me more skeptic about it is the idea that I don’t have fixed plans yet.

Am I doing it right? Been wondering for quite some time now.

In 2017, I somehow embraced uncertainty. Rejected a job offer I’ve been wanting for so long. However — where I am right now is something I don’t want to leave yet. Plunging myself to a lot of unusual work, I thought I’m not going to make it. But I find it comforting when I realized that I have done better than expected. Great job, self. *pat pat*

It was comforting to know that I am not alone in these uncertainties, there were, perhaps, a few friends who were there whenever I feel bad about myself and the current path that I am taking. Those people made me stronger. Those people made me feel I am capable and I am truly grateful. *cries buckets of tears*

But more than anything, what I realized in the past two years of trying to adult (hay) is that I need to stand up on my own. I am on my own. My parents won’t tell me what to do next. There’s no course guide in here.

That idea that I am on my own makes me more anxious about my decisions to take, the things that I might encounter along the way, and all the crazy stuff that I have to overcome. But I find comfort that I know I won’t let myself down.

2017 was a wake up call. It was my turning point — it gave me strength to pursue greater and even bigger dreams for myself.

That’s why in the year ahead, I promise to be bolder. 

Bolder in a sense that I won’t hold back — easier said that done. But I promise to keep moving forward.

I need to trust myself.

In the past years, I have always been the type of person who worries about what to do next, where to go next, and it was overall a drag for me. Particularly in times when things didn’t go the way I wished them to be. It was tiring, you know? Trying to chase those expectations no one actually asked me to meet but myself. I was also sad and lonely. I feel betrayed by myself everytime I think I failed which I think is super wrong.

So this year, I promise to take everything slowly. From my career decisions to my personal life, I’ll be a little bit lax. I promise not to slave myself with others’ expectations. I promise to live the life I want and the way I want it. I will take life in my own course, my own time. No matter what happens, I will prioritize what makes me happy.

I swear to spend each day of 2018 with joy and optimism. (Luuuh, how?)

I swear no matter how many failures I get, I’ll continue to stand up and will never be shaken by any rejections. I shall keep moving forward.

I’ll be 25 and I know it will take more than knowing the things that I want.

It will take maturity and understanding.